What I Learned from Journaling (And What I didn’t)

Two years ago I had the biggest loss in my life. Together I lost the ground, I lost the trail, I lost myself.

Since then it has been a day by day struggle to survive, splitted in phases.

First phase: I didn’t realize the size of the loss. I was thinking I would be able to be the same as before. I was wrong.

Second phase: The pain came as real as possible. I started drinking to sleep. I cried almost two or three times per day. I couldn’t breathe. It was like my lungs srinked.

Third phase: Depression. Guilt. Shame. Regreting. All kinds of bad feelings, uncontrolled.

Fourth phase: Survival. That is when I started looking for any kind of book or knowledge that could help me. It was when I got into practicing more stoicism in my life. Amor Fati, Premeditatio Malorum, all of these became mantras. And I decided to start journaling.

It has been one year since then. Every day I write something. A feeling, thoughts, decisions, memories.

It took me seven notebooks, three pens and some minutes per day. As a spoiler I can say it didn’t fix me. I’m not feeling the same as before. I’m still in angst, suffering and pain.

But I know a little bit about myself today. I let the guilt go away. I have much more empat in my relationships. I started studying psychology, mostly to fix myself, but feeling good to be able to fix others.

Perhaps the most important thing that I learnt is that life will not be as before. Past has passed and will not come back. I lost the love of my life forever. I have to hold pain, angst, and suffering as part of me. This is the most courageous act. Life just goes on.

Journaling didn’t fix me. Journaling just gave clarity of thoughts and courage to be alive.